Spiral.

I don’t want to sleep because I feel like I would be wasting more time.

I don’t want to be awake because now it just hurts too much to think.

 

Well at least I’m not “wasting” time.

Funny men don’t cry.

12:00 AM – find a just starting baww thread on /b/

Cry, hug teddy bear that i’ve had since i was born, laugh at funny pictures, cry more.

1:00 AM – looking through fb photos of dead grandmother and friend.

2:00 AM – put on gas-mask best friend bought me to stop myself from hypervenhilating.

I have had this mask for a little over 24 hours now. And in these few hours this mold of rubber and plastic has become more comforting than any house or “parent” has ever been.

This is the thing that has been hanging around for a while now, isn’t it? That macho “I’m too manly to cry” thing. I’m not too manly. Hell, there was a time not too long ago where I couldn’t go a literal week without weeping like a new-born baby. That’s not the reason, it never was. I always wait till now; till I’m alone and not even the clock wants to be awake. I wait because no one wants to see thier funny man become what they fear most in them selves: Human. I’m the one who brings even a little sunshine. I’m the one that can’t stand to see a sad face in a crowed. Saddness is never an option when I am around.

Now please, do not take me as vain or prudent, that is far from what I am trying to do. I just… If I don’t try, who will? If I don’t look at someone and see the human being that just wants to be happy, what other person will? No one else will step up to bat for happiness so god damn it all I will.

That is why none you will ever see me cry. I will not allow your beautifull illusions to be broken because I am faltering.

Re-think, re-hash, etc

Tags

and, cigarets, diary, drugs, fear, gonzo, Hunter, life, live, loathing, rum, S, Thompson

I opened up this tab thinking i was going to write about the experiences i had this last weekend. Then it would have moved on to how the life of Hunter S. Thompson has changed not only my way of thinking, but my life plan in general (what life plan was thee in the beginning?). Well fuck! There is a part of my consciousness that is revolving with the thought of a man living to the standards that he has set… no standards at all. No standards. Just trying to get by in this hole while watching yourself, from third person, commit acts of living in the first. There is a lot you can do with just a half-pack of cigs and 5 dollars.

I missed the topic on which i was going to say. Just to come full circle and speak of the man i planned on. Now i must circle back and wait.

And i could really use a cigaret,

Reality sucks, dreams hurt.

Tags

dreams, memories, reality, scare, scary

Scary, for me, is not a clown, nor a gun to my head. Scary is the sandman. Scary is memories. Scary is waking up and never having the ability to differ between fake and real. I find those moments to be the most terrifying in all of life.

Now I don’t mean shaking and screeming scary. I mean making dinner and realizing that the conversation you had wth the girl you are loving/lusting after about getting together never actually happened. Having years of your life missing but at the same time knowing the truthe.

Real life scares me the most. Ihate how it can be changed, molded to any ONE person’s liking. I don’t expect everything to be a science. Fixated is not a proper course of action anythng(one) should take. A little home-of-sanity would be nice. And tea, lots of tea.

High-life

Tags

clouds, illusion, steam

The steam rolls over the tops of the buildings, like unnoticed clouds waiting to bring peace. I sit here, watching, thinking, seeing the illusion my mind has given this moment. I am stories above the ground. I am high in the air. I can jump out this clear window and never hit the surface.

You get a looming feeling as you watch this. All those people, all those things, are miles from where i sit.

I peered out the window, and my illusion was shattered.
I am on the second story of an apartment complex. If I jump, i will meet the cold, hard ground with a redundant thought.

I go back to the chair to forget what the world really shows. And there is a humming quiet.

Real feelings.

Tags

feelings, life, Love

It is the one great mystery to our generation to figure out the feeling of love.
As human-beings who had the “privilege” of birth in the 90′s, we now find ourselves in a time of pure anonymous callousness.

I wasn’t there, i know this.But i do miss the days when a man could be judged overt hesize of his heart and will; not the size of the bulge protruding from his thong.
I do remember one thing though. Even if i just drempt it, just made it up.
I remember when a person would do anything  because their heart told them to.
I remember when it was OK to want to be happy; nott content.

I want to do this. Hell! I WILL do this! The women in my life, the men of my future, the passion i know i once had for any and all things.
I AM going to bring love back to this world!

Even it’s only my world for the moment.

 

Love is like oxygen. If i were given the ultimatum to live without theirbeauty, than i shall live no more at the hands of gods.

Space, the final frontier. And this is why elvis is dead.

Tags

death, frontier, houdini, sleep, space, time

“The only reason we die, is because we make ourselves believe we will.”
This is true. If you don’t agree with me. WELL FUCK YOU!
We’ve gone to space. We know space.
How many people do you know have come back from the dead….. I thought not.
Btw. Dieing is only believing, but please still believe.
What frontier are you supposed to aim for when living just gets so goddamn boring. Space? Nope, death!
Just like Houdini (google this shit) you gotta jump to see whats on the other side.
Suicide is not a very good option though. Don’t take all my advice literally.
Remember, you have three options.
- The long never-ending-wake
- The long sleep
- Or, the long sleep
Your choice.

Linear obstacle

timeisaliefucktimeisalietimeisaliefucktimeisalietimeisalie

timeisalietimeisalietimeisaliefucktimeisalietimeisaliefucktimeisalie

timeisalietimeisaliefucktimeisalie

timeisaliefucktimeisalietimeisalietimeisalie

timeisaliefucktimeisaliefucktimeisaliefucktimeisaliefucktimeisalie

timeisalietimeisalietimeisaliefucktimeisalie

timeisaliefucktimeisalie

timeisaliefucktimeisalietimeisalietimeisaliefucktimeisalie

timeisalie

timeisalietimeisaliestoplisteningtoyourselvestimeisalie

timeisalieyouarebetterthenthistimeisalie

 

Stop trying to perceive your grungy life into a bottle filled with sand. You lie to yourself, you lie to your (once) loved-ones, you lie to your senses telling them what you see is all you will ever get.
Time has become you. You have become a narrowed glass bottleneck, and time is the grainy substance that is blocking your flow.
You are going to die… WHY IS THAT?!?!
The bottle will have to burst one day due to you incandescent pushing (perceiving).

Stop what you are doing right now. Look up. Fuck! For most.. all of us it’s down. Watch the clouds move away from that dastardly “time”.

YOUR STOPWATCH IS NOT BROKEN! YOUR CLOCK IS NOT YOU!

I may be a ratt, but my sewer is knowledgeable to your other99% home.

You know, occupy time. It will be no waste. Less than what you do now.

(wallstreet+money+foreclosure+homeless+beatings-lazy-

nojob-stopsittingaround-putdownthesign)time = Pain and deafness.Work and change

TimeIsALie

Counseling part 1

I feel like ranting/venting. Especially because I have no one to talk to that would know how to give sound advice that I trust. And I do apologize for some of the writing that will happen, these thoughts are too much to try and organize into a coherent message.

Topic 1 – Gay couples, gay me, wtf does that even mean: I’ve been getting back into web comics recently, and with that, I found a “new-ish” one Brightest. The art is fascinating, but it was the relationships (gay ones) that brought me in to the story. I don’t know what it is about homosexual/lesbian (I’m just going to say gay for now on) relationships, but they seem to be much more loving and passionate about what is happening. I’m not just talking about the sex, the way a gay person in general goes through life is truly more amazing than what I ever could bring to the table straight. Now yes, I have gone through my own mind and mulled over the possibility of me either being gay or bi; still have no idea on if anything is right. Not even in just the written word. When I hang around my gay friends, if they have a gf/bf with them at the time, I see a shit-ton more passion in the way they even talk to each other. It makes for quite an envious sight.

I met a guy a couple of days ago at a party. He was very easy to talk to, great personality, and actually knew what the fuck he was talking about in a conversation! And I think, I think I fell a little more for him than just a good friend. I’m confused though because I know it could just be me feeling lonely and wanting love (that’s kinda depressing -___- )

Maybe it’s not the sexual side of it that I should be looking at, but how most gay couples always seem happier when they are with each other.. and I want that.
Sigh. I don’t even want to think about it anymore. Good night.

The end; and yet my new beggining.

Tags

Carl, earth, future, humans, past, presant, Sagan, soul, space

“Look again at that dot. That’s here, that’s home, that’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every “superstar,” every “supreme leader,” every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there – on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.” – Carl Sagan speech at Cornell University, October 13th 1994

For the past six months my work, my life, has been about what this quote means; our very existence is so small and insignificant that it is a miraculous sight to even look outside your own window. This planet, human being’s Earth, has so much history that it diminishes under the weight of  all other learnings.

I sit here today forever a changed man. I write to you, or maybe to myself, of things that will come and go in a blink of an eye. I write to you the scared innocence I have yet gotten rid of. But most importantly, I speak to you not of the (our) past, but the future we will make together.

God save the queen, may god save your soul; never let them write the way.